Term Break

The past term had been such a roller coaster ride for me. I refer you back to the posts detailing my fears and hopes. I understand that some things there might be inconsistent with what I now think, but I couldn't care less. Zen. That's what I am. Nicolette: "I have reached Nirvana. Have you reached Nirvana? You know how important that is since we were from 4 Nirvana?"

So the following reasons are why life, at least at this point of my life, is improving. I hesitate to say I am fitting in in VJ (or dealing with life in general) but I can say I've gotten a clearer head with every passing day.

After I listened to my own advice of simply letting nature take its course (and not letting my inertia or eagerness for acceptance be my damnation), I've finally settled into my usual comfy spot of being on the in-between. I'd always been there anyway, which made me wonder why I was so jittery. New school fears, I guess? Yup. After at least 3 years of not needing to build foundations in friendships with people who were honestly childlike and/or you knew you had to grow up with, here I am again, cementing my path into form.

The good part is that I've found many people in my class to be interested in. There are some folks whose words I want to hear. A question on ask.fm that I have yet to answer is: what do you think of your class? What do I think of my class now? It's not a bad one. I've actually learnt to see things from so many people's perspective, it made me feel like somebody restored my left eyeball. Which is strange again because I've always believed in seeing both sides of the coin.

I had lost myself but I'm finding myself again. This is good news.

So anyway, *yells* Perspective!!! I may not like what you do and I may not hate what you do with a burning passion, but at least I understand you. All of you. Better now. Is this subtly obvious now?

Yes? Then I hope people stop jumping to uncomfortable conclusions. Just because I'm not an elephant doesn't make me a rat, alright? I am on neutral territory! I am low fat butter! I am Switzerland!

I'm so happy we can talk about this maturely.

Lately, I've been having good and clever thoughts about myself. Like how I should really not give two shits about what people think because I've tried finding a better tone of voice to state the needs --

And every time I try to use a better tone of voice, people don't feel like I'm trying or something. As a result, I've been called a) mean b) sarcastic c) ungrateful d) all of the above e) something else that immediately dismisses my efforts at trying to be myself or a better person by everyone else's standards f) too enthusiastic g) not enthusiastic enough oh I could go on until the cows come home.

Which is, by far, the most frustrating thing I've had to face in conversations.

Then I thought, a ha ha ha ha hah. W h o  g i v e s  a  s h i t ? If everyone is going to misunderstand me anyway, what's the use, right? YOU GUYS AREN'T EVEN TRYING! Why do I need your approval? Who are you people anyway?!

So I'm only going to give a shit because I am a social animal and I cannot live without company and acceptance and love.

Moving on, I recently got restored into my control freak territory aka vice president of drama. Oh it was such a day of mixed feelings, Wednesday. I'm personally super excited to begin my domineering ways and wipe out tiny villages and kill newborns with my intense bossiness. MS. told Dhiraj and I about some thoughts that she had about drama and what we should work on and in that moment

I cannot use those three words consecutively ever again

I felt a spiritual connection on a DISC dominant level five thousand with her. I hope she bursts forth in fabulous amazezest. She's even got the Josh look of confusion down pat.

Speaking of Josh, just a quick shoutout to ELDDS for being the best thing that happened to me, because it taught me so many skills. So when I refer back to Cedar examples, understand that I'm not trying to replicate the club, only going completely berserk and replicate the club.

Okay so while I haven't been blogging frequently, I have been making short notes on my life (mostly posted live on Twitter or Tumblr) to share:

AW okay I’m really happy because we got out essay tests back today and I did really well for my first serious expository piece (had always been doing narrative questions). So there were 12 questions and of the 12, there were a few that caught my eye: Passion matters or something, one question on the demise of the printed book and ‘Singapore has what it takes for the arts to flourish’, plus those usual GP questions on technology and racial harmony.

No points for guessing which one I picked!! Well, I decided I was going to at least enjoy the 1.5 hours I would spend writing it, so I picked the one I knew most about: the arts!!!! In the end I got 39/50!! This is MASSIVE! I haven't been affirmed in my skills in so long so this is really a worthy achievement!!! I scored 25/30 for my content (my language was so mediocre omg).

But! The score isn't the most important thing.

The most important thing was that I wrote about something I like and it paid off.

I'm really happy because I had fun writing it and I did well (THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN OFTEN, IF EVER, IN REAL LIFE)!

So thank you to all the brochures I hoard from relevant places! Thank you, all the plays I go for! You have educated me!!!!!

This really sets the bar for the next piece of essay and I hope I continue to do well!!!! Moral of the story is, kids, if you do something you enjoy, you’d probably get much more out of it, if not a good grade then at least time well spent! :-) :-) :-)

- May 27th, 2013 10:53pm

Perhaps it was the after effects off this great achievement, but I became dizzy with excitement for the future because I thought

You know, maybe this is really what I want to do in the future, dwell in the arts I mean. I felt like for once I could be secure in my dreams! I don't know exactly what I want from myself in the future, but if this essay was anything to go by, I felt doing something I am most passionate about would be most fulfilling. Sounds straightforward, doesn't it? Also sounds like I'm over-thinking my essay, doesn't it?

I think so too.

Also, not so major things that happened but are still important:

My blog turned 6 last month! Well, I know if you look back into the archives, you'll only see about a hundred and fifty posts, but that's because I had deleted my first few years' worth of posts way back. This blog started when I was in P5 and what followed was a myriad of lame posts, awkward typing stages, stupid urls and frustratingly slow updates. (May 2007 to whenever :'))

Shoutout to @zafism who messaged me on twitter to tell me she loves reading my blog. I don't know you personally but I still appreciate that you're reading. It makes my blogging worth it and I never thought I would be able to make others look forward to reading it! :')

/edit/ Many others have also told me that they love reading my blog and it has always served as positive reinforcement even though I keep doing this blogging thing for myself, most of the time. That's not to say I don't treasure each and everyone of you who actually bother checking for my inconsistent updates, but rather that I'm not looking for fame (which is not to arrive soon anyway) and I'd rather do this for myself and 5 other people who care, than for one thousand namesakes. Sending good vibes to all of you and if you're reading this, I hope you have a pleasant day :)

Last but not the least, I'm back on twitter! @faythele has been restored after an 8 month long hiatus. I figured that in this day and age, not having an online presence is not helpful at all, especially at a time of new beginnings like that. I don't regret my break though; I did use it wisely to think through my social responsibilities and it eased the pain and horror at scrolling down a timeline. I'm coping with the issues raised in 31 by having two accounts and filtering out ... the not so good stuff with honesty too. On the whole, life has been pretty good and though I've been facing mood-swings and tectonic shifts in mindset, I'm largely looking up from the gutter.