I ought to be doing lots of things right now, but this, I consider as an important and demanding task. The year is passing by so quickly and it hasn't been an uneventful year. I felt like I had to crystalise these feelings and thoughts for myself to look back on as I go full speed ahead for the next three weeks.
August is turning out to be month of catharsis. I'm really cautious around that word now because studying Brecht has made it a little worthless at times. But hey! Sometimes, we need a foil and an anti-thesis! So while it has been a month of healing, there's never smoke without fire. What a revolutionary month.
In any case, looking back now, I realise that other than being the most tiring month thus far, August has been the most fulfilling. I had lots of things to look to: Meet the Parents, Connect 2 with Ms Daniel, Sketch Night Live, (kinda) heart to hearts with people like Dhiraj, Gordon, Audrey, Fiona, even Ms Sharon (list not exclusive, and others, I didn't even need to physically tell them - just a hug or a few sentences did the job). The grey skies and evening lights really made me reflect on who I am as a person and what I want to become. Or what I don't want to be.
The downsides of August... I don't even remember them anymore. Probably the SNL period I guess...
A couple of other things happened, along with this (which I'm planning to compile for the next post) BUT it doesn't even matter anymore because the fact it I climbed out of the ditch. And that's what makes August so special. It hasn't been continually good nor good because of external factors, but precisely because it wasn't good and I made it good for myself! BREAKTHROUGH
The downsides of August... I don't even remember them anymore. Probably the SNL period I guess...
A couple of other things happened, along with this (which I'm planning to compile for the next post) BUT it doesn't even matter anymore because the fact it I climbed out of the ditch. And that's what makes August so special. It hasn't been continually good nor good because of external factors, but precisely because it wasn't good and I made it good for myself! BREAKTHROUGH
No exciting external events here, just lots of introspection:
I think I've gotten to know people so much better now. It's not like I now know 30 more facts about each person, but I feel like I've been genuinely making an effort to open myself up. Much unlike how I first was when I came to VJ. It's a good thing and a bad thing, because I tend to be a little too forth-coming and unfiltered when I start to talk to people more.
But going natural is good. Putting yourself out there isn't as bad as people make it out to be. I don't mean I talk to random people in school or make myself vulnerable, but just leaving your lighthouse on for passing ships to see can offer so much comfort.
There are a few people in class that I have made a strange connection with. It's not like we are particularly good friends, but it's a feeling of acknowledgement that the other person knows. I don't think it's appropriate to put names out for now so it's a difficult task to explain. But I feel like it has only happened because I put myself out there and made it known that I am a certain sort of person? I can try to describe it clumsily: I differentiate myself and I emit my own good vibes?
It sounds like I'm tooting my own horn but it brings me to my next point
It sounds like I'm tooting my own horn but it brings me to my next point
That you don't have to be a COOL! person to attract others. By attract, I don't mean physically/romantically/sexually, only spiritually. Like how a safe zone offers comfort. There are people treating me as the safe zone! And there are people I see as safe zones! Remember when I vouched to be a gr8 kid? Yeah. I tried to step up my game but I realised that I didn't have to particularly make an effort to be nice. WOW BREAKING NEWS shuyu is actually a nice person on the inside!!1!
I didn't realise it at first but now... people trust me?
Like non-cedarians trust me?
They actually feel comfortable enough to share their lives with me?
I am honoured!
I didn't realise it at first but now... people trust me?
Like non-cedarians trust me?
They actually feel comfortable enough to share their lives with me?
I am honoured!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I thought I was being a really shit person and wanted to change, I had been making a difference in other people's lives even though I didn't know it.
wow
I think you get the idea now how August was like for me in general, just a series of revelations about myself and me being shocked and insanely happy.
If there's one thing that I've learn, it's probably the fact that at the end of the day, at this point in time, none of us are inherently bad (idk maybe in the future my feelings get warped and I turn into an evil mastermind but not now no), and we're all just looking for a way to get by. I think I've been lucky in the way that I've been thinking lately? That I observe and reflect a lot more?
And I've been honest too. About the good and the bad things. I know that for the past few months I had been whining about how I wish I were back in a supportive environment like Cedar, but I've sort of internalised that and created my own supportive environment by being affirming.
I wanted to say that we shouldn't depend on external validation to craft our existence but then again, it isn't exactly external validation if I do something nice for a person so he can feel good, such that I feel good about myself.
Right now it sounds like I'm a fluffy pillow but I'm only a fluffy pillow with a steel pillowcase. I'm still slightly sharp with my words but wow, I would be stepped on all over otherwise. In fact, we all would be!!!!!
(((((That's why everybody is still bitchy anyway. Tip: If you don't want others to be bitchy to you, don't be bitchy to them and they won't feel like they have to retaliate!!!!!! It's a tough topic to talk about because I get mixed feelings about certain people and their good traits start to get tainted with bad vibes groans BUT this post isn't about them it's about me!!!)))))
Ah and because it was my birthday month, I got a lot of affirmation and I got reminded that people still love me and that I shouldn't be jealous that they have new friends ah yes okay moving on nothing more to see here ha ha
Oh I have been feeling good about myself; my body isn't making me feel inadequate. Not now, at least. I mean, I have nice eyes, and I am pretty. Or so I've been told. And I have frickin cute ears (that's all that matters I am totally in love with my ears)! I'm not skinny and I can't wear crop tops or bikinis but I can give people hugs and my hugs are gr8 because I'm soft and I am a sucker for hugs and I rarely reject them!!! Oh and I don't have the most slender legs but I've been told I have a nice butt and my legs are knockout!! PHYSICALLY! Because they are strong. Such that I can kick people!
I keep reminding myself to look back on how I'm surviving. I have never been this challenged in my life, but it had been such a fulfilling experience knowing that I could come out of it battered AND bettered.
Closing with the classic Aunt Harriet quote: "I am not ashamed - I am only beaten."
Actually, no, closing with my new spirit animal:
wow
I think you get the idea now how August was like for me in general, just a series of revelations about myself and me being shocked and insanely happy.
If there's one thing that I've learn, it's probably the fact that at the end of the day, at this point in time, none of us are inherently bad (idk maybe in the future my feelings get warped and I turn into an evil mastermind but not now no), and we're all just looking for a way to get by. I think I've been lucky in the way that I've been thinking lately? That I observe and reflect a lot more?
And I've been honest too. About the good and the bad things. I know that for the past few months I had been whining about how I wish I were back in a supportive environment like Cedar, but I've sort of internalised that and created my own supportive environment by being affirming.
I wanted to say that we shouldn't depend on external validation to craft our existence but then again, it isn't exactly external validation if I do something nice for a person so he can feel good, such that I feel good about myself.
Right now it sounds like I'm a fluffy pillow but I'm only a fluffy pillow with a steel pillowcase. I'm still slightly sharp with my words but wow, I would be stepped on all over otherwise. In fact, we all would be!!!!!
(((((That's why everybody is still bitchy anyway. Tip: If you don't want others to be bitchy to you, don't be bitchy to them and they won't feel like they have to retaliate!!!!!! It's a tough topic to talk about because I get mixed feelings about certain people and their good traits start to get tainted with bad vibes groans BUT this post isn't about them it's about me!!!)))))
Ah and because it was my birthday month, I got a lot of affirmation and I got reminded that people still love me and that I shouldn't be jealous that they have new friends ah yes okay moving on nothing more to see here ha ha
Oh I have been feeling good about myself; my body isn't making me feel inadequate. Not now, at least. I mean, I have nice eyes, and I am pretty. Or so I've been told. And I have frickin cute ears (that's all that matters I am totally in love with my ears)! I'm not skinny and I can't wear crop tops or bikinis but I can give people hugs and my hugs are gr8 because I'm soft and I am a sucker for hugs and I rarely reject them!!! Oh and I don't have the most slender legs but I've been told I have a nice butt and my legs are knockout!! PHYSICALLY! Because they are strong. Such that I can kick people!
I keep reminding myself to look back on how I'm surviving. I have never been this challenged in my life, but it had been such a fulfilling experience knowing that I could come out of it battered AND bettered.
Closing with the classic Aunt Harriet quote: "I am not ashamed - I am only beaten."
Actually, no, closing with my new spirit animal:
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