Limbo

A rather trying month for me.

It seemed like trying to adapt to JC life for the past five months had all been for naught. I was thrown back to square one emotionally when I returned to school after a month of break. It started with the claustrophobia of being surrounded by people I didn't know, missing the peaceful study dates with Auds and gang and sorry nostalgia of Cedar.

On my bad days I was a bundle of nerves, insecure and snappy. I had a sickening feeling of jealously deep in my gut every time I saw friends interacting. It was worse because I couldn't put my finger on why I was feeling that way. I hated myself for being jealous and possessive and childish and generally displeased with people and their new found friendships. It hurt too because I felt I was getting replaced by the people that I treasure.

That said, there are still many things to be thankful for this July. I've gotten closer to my exco/CCA mates, fellow CCA leaders and also my classmates. It's heartening to know that my teachers are giving me their fullest support as well; they were so reassuring and sincere during PTM that it was an eye-opening experience for me. I had never been as well complimented in my life. An unlikely image but me at PTM:

I'm also glad that I'm taking this combi because it is what I love. Even subjects I'm poor in give me the level of challenge that is enough to make me thrilled. I'm particularly thankful that I'm taking TSD too. Learning about Brecht and Artaud gets me so excited about theatre as a whole.

Recently, VJ had its career talks and there was only one booth that interested me: Esplanade. I'm thinking of going down the arts route of course, maybe into programming events and shows. I was really just observing how much my classmates had improved in TSD last Friday and it got me thinking about how great it would be to be a drama teacher ... which took me back to my roots in EL and how much I wanted to be a drama coach.

On the brighter side of the stressful issues, I realised that I'm carrying a greater load than ever before. It simply proves that I'm growing. I'm taking things on and I'm growing.

curtis-ballard:

Your body is made of the same elements that lionesses are built from. Three quarters of you is the same kind of water that beats rocks to rubble, wears stones away. Your DNA translates into the same twenty amino acids that wolf genes code for. When you look in the mirror and feel weak, remember, the air you breathe in fuels forest fires capable of destroying everything they touch. On the days you feel ugly, remember: diamonds are only carbon. You are so much more.

via gnarlysnarly

So I have good days and bad days but I'm trying hard to make everyday a good one for myself and others. I want every day to a milestone in my life and I'm starting by trying to be kind to others. I might have started out nasty but I want to shed the spears in my words because everyone is fighting his own demons and we could use all the support we need.

It has been pointed out to me that I am a mean person. That I respond "unconventionally". I think it's great that I'm unpredictable, but if this means it puts others ill at ease, then I'd rather watch what I say or not say anything at all. I try to stop it of course, and I'd like to think that my affection shows itself in other possible ways but I'm no longer in territory that allows me to be clearly understood.

My new aim for everyday is to spread as much love as possible. Even if I'm having a bad day, I don't want to hurt people with what I say. It sounds like something I should have done earlier, I know, and I'm quite repulsed that I've been unintentionally mean. I could brush it off with a "that's how I am" or a "that's how you know I love you" or "I'm not going to change who I am for them" but ... if I'm ever going to be self-aware, if I'm never going to destroy people with my words...

It's funny that I have to try to be nice. It doesn't come naturally to me?

So I'm sorry if I have been hateful to you. I'm sorry if I've snapped at you. Coping mechanisms, defense mechanisms, right? How come these natural things make me feel like such a horrible human being?

A part of me is telling me that I'm going to lose out. It's telling me that this is how we get canned in because we are so afraid of offending people and we are afraid of being offended. Because we are all human beings. We are mean but we are kind. We are fear yet we are fearless. We are carrying spears that can pierce anything and shields that nothing can pierce.

We are in limbo.

+ + +

In about 11 days, I will age another year. 11 steps into the future and the road goes ever on. It's going to be a long battle against myself.