Brecht wants you to laugh at my sadness

Say Please - Tonight Alive

I’m not talking to you

I won’t give you anything

I gave my everything already, did ya see?

I don’t owe it to you

Cause I’m just the same again

But with better manners and the right to be

Alone, alone

I just wanna be alone

If you’re gonna ask me for my time at least say please

Cause I’m not how I used to be and these things get to me

If you wanna break me I’m already on my knees

I didn’t give my love for you to walk all over me

To walk all over me

I’m just trying to be

A little honest here

Cause the other half of the time I just meant

It’s not like me to be the one

To bite my tongue for a while

And I smile cause I’ve got better manners and the right to be

Alone, alone

I just wanna be alone

If you’re gonna ask me for my time at least say please

Cause I’m not how I used to be and these things get to me

If you wanna break me I’m already on my knees

I didn’t give my love for you to walk all over me

To walk all over me

If you’re gonna ask me for my time at least say please

And if you wanna break me I’m already on my knees

I’m on my knees

Favourite song off their new album so far! I fell in love the moment I heard it because it resonates with my current emotions. I think it's a good entry into the week-long break of September.

That expression is debatable, but I'm quite sure that this week will be a break for me, even with all the studying. Really really glad that I don't have normal lessons for a week. I've come to the conclusion that JC really brings out the worst in people, as bad as it gets at 17 years old anyway. It has been such a rocky journey. I don't think I've been so tense in the four years in Cedar as I have been in the past four months, hell, even slightly more than four weeks.

I'm just exhausted from dealing with people and my own feelings towards them. See, it's not even the academia, although that too has brought on some stress. But in any case, this anti-socialising break is well-deserved.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the people I'm surrounded by. There are a couple of great new people I've met and they are honestly superb through and through. I'm also really grateful for people that can be candid with me because we are on the same wavelength, and just take me for what I am, y'know?

It's been absolutely tiresome to be extremely self-aware. I think I got carried away with the whole self-awareness issue and the mighty noble cause of wanting to be a better person because I got to a point of shame for being who I was. In addition to that, I think I was hanging around nutmeg people again. Nutmeg because they have a personality or a quality that is so strong (and uniquely 'them') that it just permeates in relationships and therefore should not be used in handmade pasta. Masterchef can be poetic at times. I digress.

I think the relationship got a little bit toxic and emotionally manipulative. I had fallen into the black hole of the need to prove my worth, for affirmation, to feel just a little bit secure in an environment that is constantly trying to make you feel insecure. It wasn't all a bad thing though, I mean, sometimes, you just can't control the way you come off to people. That applies for both victim and perpetrator.

I think I need to believe in myself a bit more. There's a good reason why I respond the way I do, and that ought to signal important things to me. It's only natural to retaliate when provoked, isn't it? Maybe the reason why I feel uncomfortable when I'm 'mean' (and vice versa) is because that's my mind telling me that I'm supposed to back off.

It's a tricky thing, the mind. I'm not going to try to dissect my brain and my heart in an open surgery.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to change for anybody, because after going for a loop, emotionally battered in my self-destructive over-introspection, if people only accept their OWN warped perception of me, nothing is going to change, any frickin way.

Recall that quote: Having issues of your own explains your actions but doesn't excuse them.

I can't believe I didn't realise this sooner. You would think I would, being in a very hypocritical environment, where the people and whatever they say is biased to the core. Where pretty girls are allowed to be confident and ugly girls cannot. Social situations make me gag. People who internalise that make me gag.

Whoops, sorry. I was supposed to be a nice person.

In the last week of school, I just couldn't give two fricks anymore.

It was liberating.

Where do we draw the line between being an agent of justice and being an angry confused Moor anyway

I'm trying to master the perfect poker and the mildest /the frick/ face so I can retaliate with silence and my murderous fourth dimension eyes.

I also recently discovered that I have nice knuckles which means I can knock out my enemies in style, but I don't think it's a very healthy thought.

I'm going to transition now watch closely

Also! That 'fighting for affection' train of thought and action is temporarily void, at least with regard to everybody else that doesn't matter, anyway.

Trips are a good thing - like a crush (but not really) (ew the word crush makes my hair stand), like a fall (but not really), more than a simple walk-in-the-park eyecandy (ew that word too). A journey on which you learn more about yourself and the other person! A way of denying and disguising complex feelings of lu-luve! Very mature and objective and slightly hipster way!

Forget that for now, boys suck.

Another great part of the holiday is that not only am I not obliged to see nutmeg people, I can hang out with sashimi people! Raw, delicious, exquisite, sometimes aquired but accept my wasabi nature as it is and are equally, if not more wasabi than I am. Whoo!

I love them all so much because they really take my mind off things :")

I only spent two days with Audrey and I feel so at home in my own skin again :")

I JUST REALLY LOVE MY FRIENDS A LOT

So I'm going to end off with a line that she said yesterday:

"I was going to look for books about arts and crafts but I guess you're quite the masterpiece"

I couldn't stop laughing becaus e i turned inti a smlal girl when i thOUght about the context she used it in and it was an A + pickup line.

So goodbye, mellon.