My First Year

Let's be realistic and honest here: University isn't all that people make it out to be.

I don't get much empathy when I talk about it to my guy friends and it's completely understandable that they feel that Uni is utopia, coming fresh out of the shithole that is NS. It irks me though, that they constantly talk about how great life is going to be when they enter uni, how many friends they're going to have, how many pretty girls and hot guys are going to be around, how satisfied they're going to be in hall and all that jazz. I get it, I really do. I thought my life would be like that as well. But what they don't tell you is that Uni isn't going to be the same for everybody.

I've always been pessimistic but I'm also very appreciative. So my hope is that you guys will enter whichever Uni you've chosen with realistic or no expectations but also find joy in all that happens in your unique circumstances.

I've basically never been given much freedom so everything that I thought would make Uni so so amazing (hall and semester exchange) was, in retrospect, idle wishes that got dashed by family decisions. So yes, I guess you can see why I get irritated when people talk about how Uni is supposed to be amazing; it isn't because I'm not sympathetic to the NS boys, it's just very personal because it feels like I'm not doing it right. If I had managed my expectations perhaps I would be better off, but it's hard to do so when you're in a new environment, having to make major decisions for yourself, when money and future are at stake and all your best friends have been scattered elsewhere.

It isn't to say that I hate Uni with all of my soul, of course. I feel like my interest in academia and the intellectual has been satisfactorily stimulated and I've never felt more alive and connected to the larger world than I do now, where I have the best professors and tutors and all the resources I could ever ask for at my fingertips.

Perhaps it's just because I'm absolutely terrible at adapting. I do hope so, so that it will be better in the next few semesters. I guess my saving grace is that I have gained a better understanding of what I do like and what I don’t, what makes me happy and what doesn’t. But the bottom line is that I have to constantly remind myself that university is what you make of it, not what others say it is.

It’s a terrible ambivalence to feel, that the university “world" is HUGE and yet suffocates. You see, statistically, the population is great, which means the variety of experiences must be too, right? And yet to me, there’s an overwhelming sentiment of how uni ought to be, as if the social life, the fun, the carefree living, the freedom would just magically present itself. Call it a flaw of the digital age where only the fun times show, or my own immaturity in failing to grasp that reality can be so different from person to person; you just can’t deny that sometimes the anxiety of growing up hits you so hard, you compare your life to your peers’ for some sort of bench-marking.

So here is a list of things I wish I had been told before I entered Uni. I’ve received some relevant questions from juniors on ask.fm too but it’s really just a general reality check that can be applied to a lot of things:

1) University is not the same for everyone.

And I don’t just mean that “some people stay in hall, some people don’t”. There’s no binary and it isn’t just a formula of “if you join x and x, you will have friends and be happy, if not you will have no friends and die in uni”. Hall life is fun and fulfilling but it is also expensive, unhealthy and difficult to maintain (7 CCAs, anyone?). And for the record, some people in hall live only for the sake of being on campus so they don’t have to travel and to have access to facilities and study areas. Your life in university isn’t defined by how many friends you have or how you spend your nights (clubbing/supper?). It’s an amalgamation your academic experiences, the clubs you’re in, the meaningful things you do and most importantly, the peace which you find for yourself while doing these things. It’s an ocean of opportunities to make friends, learn things and love things but it doesn’t mean you have to do everything, so embrace your personal experience and circumstances and make the most of what you can.

2) Friends just don’t feel the same.

Your go-to friends will rarely be the ones you’ve met in uni. Friends are easy to find but friendships are hard to maintain with clashing time-tables, and everyone having their own friends with whom they’ve grown up. But my friendship blessings have come in the surprising form of strengthening connections with old pals and even getting to know former acquaintances much better. I’ve even made NUS friends online. It’s not difficult to feel lonely in Uni. With all the buzz and the excitement, sometimes it’s hard enough to keep your own two feet planted firmly to the ground. Make friends where you can, and if you feel like you’re not doing your social life justice, do get out there to seek remedy, but come to terms with the fact that it may not always be as true or as pure as you would like it to be.

3) You will feel inadequate

And it will be the worst. I’ve never had to feel inadequate, because I’ve always known my value. I’ve always acknowledged that my life and circumstances were uniquely mine and not inherently bad or worse off. I’ve always treasured being me because I knew that my lovely friends and my awe-filled experiences were mine. Alas, along the way, a medium sized fish was let into a huge pond, and I was confronted with people who were better than me in every way: looks, popularity, intellect, social life, social media etc etc. I can’t find rationality in this inadequacy but neither can I quell the nagging in my brain that constantly reminds me that I am not enough.

Now, I’m not here to engage in self-pity, neither do I wish to scare everyone away. This kind of inadequacy can come in many forms: sudden anxiety about your decisions, self-doubt and worry, weightlessness and nervousness, as if you’re a bubble quivering in the breeze, about to pop at any moment. These moments can be perpetual, they can be fleeting; they can clang noisily in your brain 24/7, and they can stay quiet until 2am and suddenly you cannot remember how to breathe. But it helps to remember that:

4) You are valid and your experiences are valid.

It’s never a single problem that can be solved with a simple solution. We are humans, not machines, and we take time to get used to change and to heal from hurt. We're in a snowglobe that gets shaken up again even before the flakes can start to settle. And that is OKAY. Many have said that they thought that once they turned X years-old/entered the army/uni, everything would have sorted itself out. It’s irrational right? But we hold on to that hope that our path will be there right before us, and that every step we tread will not be laden with regret or fear.

Maybe I feel that those who are always overly-optimistic about uni are insensitive to those who are still trying to find their way. Maybe I take it too personally that what they really mean to say is that I don’t deserve happiness if I have not suffered in comparison, or that I simply do not have eyes to see what is rosy, or that I have squandered my opportunities to be happy.

I know just how ridiculous I sound, which is why I have to keep reminding myself that there’s neither a right or wrong way to live, especially when your chest feels tight with the weight of all that you think you’re doing wrong.

OH WELL. I can’t believe I just wrote a whole post about peer pressure ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but I definitely feel a little bit better about putting my thoughts in order, even if they may sound unreasonable and crude. To reiterate though, I don’t want to be pessimistic and rain on the freshie parade but I think we need to manage our expectations even if we think we have it all under control. I’m consoled that a lot of my friends also agree with me about how they seem to be caught in a vacuum as the flurry of university life and growing up continues to blow deafeningly around them. Perhaps I aimed to put this less sugar-coated version of uni life out there so it can resonate with those who are going through the same thing? One thing is for sure, though: growing had always seemed like puzzle pieces falling into place, but now it feels more like trying to piece it together in the dark.