Things go according to plan?

Breathe. That's right. Inhale, exhale. Calm your breathing and heart rate, take deep breaths.

Results were released on Friday. It was good. I didn't fail any subjects. Yes, these days you can't ask for much. I sure hope mum understands that. I hope she understands that it isn't a choice to fail; nobody wants to fail on purpose. I hope she knows well enough that I give my all in whatever I do. I hope she also knows that I am mature and aware of what I should do the next time.

I'm waiting for all my results to be release before I tell her that I passed my maths and Chinese at the very least. No, she'll flip. She'll demand to look at my papers. Scream that I've disgraced my sister who has a degree in translation, who is a Chinese teacher. And I will feel bad and upset that I suck, that I am stupid.

But I also know that it's not all bad, that I should be content because there are others worse off. Obviously they won't see things that way.

Thank you everybody for voting for ELDDS for the Inward Bound Youth Theatre Competition. We went from less than thirty votes to over six hundred in less than three days. If we win the viewers choice awards, it will be fantastic. If we win the judging round on 4th November, it will be such a breakthrough. But just like SYF, I won't talk about it anymore, just in case I jinx us.

I just want EL to do well. I want us to be mention in Principal's speeches. On Friday, she mentioned EL as more than just "all the other CCAs". I was so proud.

I need to send Ms Ho my poems for the first submission of literary works. I still don't know how I managed to enter the mentorship programme, hell, I don't even know how I got into CAP. I wrote my first ever poem only when I applied for CAP and now I am standing among the elites and holding on to a poetry mentorship opportunity. That must count for something right? Right?

Sometimes I doubt my ability and I get panic attacks because I'm so self conscious. That's pretty bad for somebody as loud as I am, pretty bad for somebody in drama.

That made me wonder: to what extent can you be "mentored" as a poet? As I read the comments given to me, I felt myself defending and explaining my train of thought during the writing process. How easy is it to mold somebody into what you want them to be and how far does this apply in an artistic world? I'm not saying I don't need mentoring because "This is how I want to be and you can't stop that", but in all honesty and with much respect, how far does it apply? Do we stop when both can see the idea I am trying to portray? Do we stop when it's changed into something everybody can understand? Do we stop when I become what I am not?

Really, I'm just wondering.