I enjoyed myself today. It was a lovely day, so why am I feeling lower than a lady bug's belly? We had the Victoria Cedar Alliance run in support of the Breast Cancer Foundation in the fight against breast cancer. I ran competitively. Brenda and I stuck with each other through the run and made it to the finishing line at (more or less) the same time. The initial plan was to pace Anisa but she vanished from sight even before I could thank God that I did not sprain my ankle from the soft sand.
To be honest, it was a horrifying run. Out of the four cross country events that I have run in, this one gets all the awards for worst run. The starting time was the gun point, and not the time you pass the sensor with the number tag. The start point was on a stretch of sand that went on for about 350 metres and because of the huge number of (female) competitive runners occupying the less sandy ground, we had to run on the sandy slope leading down to the beach. I literally had to run in a zig-zag pattern to save my poor soul because I kept slipping down. It did not help that the rotting fruits from the trees were scattered everywhere. It was a mad frenzy of over-taking, gaining momentum (with so many people? No?!) and basically finding a space to keep to yourself (but hah, fat hope).
My brilliant plan to soak up the sunshine and nature and lose myself in my thoughts failed miserably because of the aforementioned hazards. It was almost a sensory overload: pink, sunlight, trees, heightened sensitivity to the ragged breathing, pounding and bounding of hopeful and ambitious runners, a sickening feeling whenever somebody brushed past me and the bitter taste of salty perspiration.
I managed to spend some quality time with my classmates, cheering others on, singing, basically catching our breath and basking in the after-run glow. It was gave rise to a strange sense of satisfaction and comfort, even as the sun beat down relentlessly on the sea of pink (from three schools, no less).
Afterwards, I beat myself up all over again because of my indecisiveness. To go or not to go for the dinosaur exhibition we had been raving about for the past month. That was the question I could not answer. I feel so sorry and pathetic for always doing this to Sarah (frustrated noises), always backing the hell out.
Instead I spent the afternoon with 2I (as planned): Yufang, Adriena, Ying Ying, Valerie Crystelo, Valerie Oh, Eunice, Anjelica, Zen Juen, Hui Xia, Germaine, Yiting and Elsa. We ate at Eighteen Chefs before we went our separate ways, seven of us ending up at Century Square prank-calling and gossiping and being a public nuisance in general.
It was also the first time in a long while that I took an afternoon nap. Unfortunately, I woke up feeling empty inside, with so many indistinguishable thoughts and feelings, not wanting to make the slightest sound when others spoke to me. I dread feeling this way, but I have realised that it has been happening more often. I feel better in school then when I am at home. I guess it is no surprise that I feel more at ease with my friends, but I am starting to see a distinct difference between me at school and me at home. I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way, except it scares me that I would rather spend my time in school (with or without friends) than at home. It scares me that I seem to think everything my family talks about is pointless and uneducated, even though the real senseless conversations I have in school mean the world to me.
I have a sickening feeling that I am losing touch with writing/my language. It is a scary thing to say and I have to admit it. I am not as good as I was before, that is, if I was any good at all. I will never be as good people who have the real passion for writing, who will put in their heart and soul into words and breathe life into paper. I can never be the one to match up to that ability. You will go very far with this, you will. Sometimes (all the time), I feel inferior, and that you will brush me away any time. I cannot fathom some things and I do not dare to seek the answers I am looking for, and it frightens me that I am a moth attracted to light.
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