What now?

So.

It's going to start all over again. My last days of enjoyment as a transitioning teen. If you can call having nervous breakdowns "enjoyment", then I have been having many short bouts of hyperventilation and hysteria aka a splashing good time.

I knew this day would come. I don't mean knowing as in "crucial piece of information I have to keep at the top of my mental checklist by the time (date) comes rolling about so that I can secure a place to go for the next two years", but rather the ever looming cloud of darkness that I had pushed far to the back of my mind ever since I had a grasp of the concept of future. It had never been this difficult, picking primary and secondary schools or streams. Then again, as compared to what I will face in the next ten years, this is nothing. For the first time in my entire life, I have to admit I'm growing up.

Decisions are so difficult to make. Freedom and choice are such deliciously horrible things. I lose my mind when I have freedom. I panic about window periods and chances. It's a time when your reality weighs down on you like a paperweight on a piece of blank paper; when your ideal future hovers like the quill quickly drying up.

I'm going to look back at this and laugh so hard, I crack my ribs.

I want to believe that everything is going to turn out fine. Life is going to unfold itself when the time comes. There are living examples of people who have taken routes that mean shit to what they enjoying doing now and will come to enjoy in the future.

Let's be honest here: I'm scared. Whatever result I'm going to get tomorrow morning is going to make me scared. I'm going to be devastated about losing out on the opportunities, doubt my abilities and then regret doubting myself. Whatever happens, the grass is always going to be greener on the other side and I'm going to have to deal with the what-ifs and the what-thens. I wouldn't know if I should be ecstatic or deterred and that would be me living in limbo until all my choices are robbed from me. This is me skinny dipping in the unknown, holding my breath and diving.

Have I mentioned I can't swim?