So now that Drama Nite is over, I have no excuse to be sullen.
I spent the first week of April in a miserable stupor, walking around drunk on my own loathing for everything, coupled with not talking, being absorbed in Tumblr and Tolkien and just nursing a heavy heart in general. I blamed it all on Drama Nite. Not the most honest reason to give, looking back at it. Yes, I did feel lost in the transition to a new drama community, but it was during the rehearsals that I also got to have a good time with Jill and Ally and Nicolette. In fact, it was the only time I felt that my misery was allowed because I channeled it into my character. Indeed, it was probably my most needy week in a long time, during which I sought the company of close confidants and walked around with an air of negativity.
That being said, it did lead to quality soul-searching during the much needed HBL break. As little work as I did during that break, it reaped greater emotional returns in the form of watching SpokenWord and letting it all come clean in my own writing. I think I made the semi-conscious decision at the end of the week to let it all go.
Now, that's not new, not new at all, that is, my ambitious, sometimes fruitless, want to be a better person. Remember how I wanted to be more genuine this year? Well yes, I said genuine, not innocent. I'm not going to be genuine with people I've just met for a term, I told myself.
But I realised how much I had been holding back. I don't mean I should unleash the full force of my personality upon the unsuspecting class, but keeping up an impenetrable facade and then whining about not being able to open up to anybody was just plain stupid.
That quote spoke to me. When I returned, I resolved not to let my own inertia affect me nor to let my need for acceptance force me into being something I'm not, so I spent the previous week letting myself incline naturally. I didn't not speak but it was definitely a step out of my closing off. My results? There are some people in class that I can hang with, but there are just some with which I feel something is lacking. Take a breath and let the rest come easy, right?
Other than having to release my inhibitions, I felt there was a need to give chances too. Which led to my talking to x despite being told not to. I'm too cowardly to stand up for him but I think any rational person would be able to see what the fuck is going on. And any rational person would stop.
My soul-searching also yielded reports on my bitching habits. That I try to refrain from bitching about something unless it seriously bugs me, and when I do, I only do it to people I'm close to. It's probably why I can't get into this whole situation of bitching or gossiping that happens so frequently. I'm not saying that bitching is all people do but it's what they do enough to get me annoyed. I'm probably only feeling this way because I don't know enough people/enough about people to contribute to the detailed analysis of their lives.
I've also been having thoughts about going back to public twitter again, just so I'll be a proper 21st century girl again. Maybe find out what's going on beyond my private sphere. Maybe share my non-existent cool social life with everybody. Maybe get my witty thoughts of self-grandeur some affirmation. This is just another one of my on-off things. I have enough to get me by: this blog, my tumblr, my tiny twitter circle and my 100% private tumblr. And that should be enough.
P/s: I'd like to mention how much my dearest dearest friends are helping me through this. I love them so much. Thanks for everything. And thanks for bearing with my song references in this post.
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