A12

It’s 8.32pm on the first day of the term break and I’m on my bed with the covers pulled tightly around me. The snuggly place of drowsy thoughts and honesty.

I thought I’d do a post about my journey with A12, as mentioned in the previous post, because so much has happened this year. If you tracked my A12 tag, you would have read of lots of angst and disgruntled debates that I had both internally and on this blog. So why bother with yet another post?

Clear skies can never last long. As with the times I was frustrated with this class, there may be a future of unhappiness, as that is how the world works. I want to look back at this post, or this blog and perhaps remind myself of the lighter times we shared, and more importantly, all the darker things that I/we had to go through to get to a happier place. Maybe then, I will be able to appreciate them better.

A word of warning before we start, because honesty can sometimes be interpreted as malice:

I’ve learnt a whole lot this year, and the changes in personal mindset and circumstance are many, therefore, what I state here might have been true of the past, but not of the present.

Certain terms have been used for the convenience of referring to a collective group of classmates which, I hope will not be interpreted as elitist or mutually exclusive. Our class is small, there aren’t enough cliques to go around, and people are mixing around quite well now (at least from my point of view anyway).

I might have missed out some other reminders/disclaimers, but I really do hope you understand that if I slip up, I’m not trying to sow discord or anything! Just let me know and I’ll phrase it better/remove it entirely! I hate sounding like those annoying warnings that pop out before a movie on DVD BUT UGH misunderstandings

I think that’s about it! Let’s just get these nitty gritty social platform misunderstandings out of the way first!

I didn’t think that entering a JC was going to be that big of a hassle. I mean, hey, you’ve been put into a class of random people before; you’ve had to make friends before, so what’s the big issue right?

Wrong.

Mythbusted: Crying on the first day of primary school, feeling uncomfortable on the first day of secondary school is not the same as entering a JC (or IP, depending on your age. Whatever).

In secondary school, everyone is an awkward tween and you have four years to find your way through it all. In JC, it’s different. Two years is not a very long time for a social life, academics, self-discovery and preparation for adulthood to suddenly *COME IN LIKE A WREEEEECKING BAAAALLL*

I entered VJ split down the middle, looking forward to meeting new friends but with half the heart to run back into sheltered Cedar. At the back of my mind were memories of the bad times spent in Bendemeer. I knew then, and I know I am flawed – too indecisive, too bossy, too anxious, too noisy, too flighty, too airy, too clingy; I have my head up in the clouds and my claws digging into the earth but I just took a trust fall into foreign territory anyway.

I fell. Nobody caught me but it didn’t kill me.  

At the start, I felt that the people in my class were too cool for me. I was very confused because it seemed like everyone knew who was ‘in’, the hotshots and all. I think because they were talking about people I didn’t know, or even sometimes about people I knew, I began to perceive them as bitchy.

I always laughed at the US high school stereotypes but during one of my bad times in school, I concluded that JC is a milder version of that, but still toxic all the same. Being in Cedar for four years, you watch your friends work up to a respectable position from an awkward pre-pubescent adolescent. I never really thought about my friends or those around me as pretty or popular because of being pretty. It was more about what they achieved in terms of academics and leadership and less so about who was prettier than everyone else. Then again, this could be applicable only to my bubble of obliviousness.

But anyway, My point is that my initial reaction to the JC environment was not a good one. Heck, there were people passing judgement on others because of how they looked and even how they sounded. I felt so inferior having the 'hot' people pointed out to me countless times as they were walking by, people fawning over them. It helped little finding out that my close friends were also having a difficult time fitting in. On one hand, I knew that this wasn't just my problem, but at the same time, I didn't want my friends feeling as though they were trodden on even before the real JC tests started. 

My mind was really messing with me during those few months and my vibes getting all jumbled up. I was so desperate for attention that I made some wrong decisions. I was fighting to be present and yet dying to get away from all the noise and I was, in short, a walking cloud of negativity.

Ah puberty and bouts of self-consciousness. That desperation of starting out on the right foot. So much is at stake in JC.

Step off your high horse, shu, come down to the ground level where people bond best when talking about the common dislike. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right?

Or heck, people bond best when talking about the common obsession. After all, fangirls are the best friends, no?

In any case, I was really flustered around my class because I was caught in between the easily comfortable and loud, and the quiet. There never was a middle ground that I could comfortably find my way around from.

My initial bout of inertia was so great that I couldn’t do without hanging out with my Cedar pillars of strength, if you recall (not to say I don't need them now; they still occupy a huge spot in my heart). My days included desperately trying my hardest to swallow the huge personalities in class, even though my natural instinct was to take little sips of their words and actions and then hide away into a hole again. It was like trying to complete a 5000 piece jigsaw by forcing 10 random pieces all together, when what I should have done was to examine each piece and add them to whatever I had built over the years.

And then there was a period of time that I had fully devoted myself to understanding some people that cannot be so easily understood and I neglected the others.

Let's skip to the end because you can read everything else on my tag.

I’m really thankful for the people that accept me. I am a nutmeg person myself. I take getting used to. Dropping the baggage from five years ago left me with the feeling of a haunting burden in my hands. Over the years, I haven’t truly accepted the miracle of friends holding my hands, in place of me carrying my imaginary weights.

I’ve met some beautiful, hugely interesting individuals this year that have been magnanimous and patient with me despite my flaws.

Breakthrough: PW OP rehearsals and subsequent Gundam Party really got me closer to what Yanch would call “Qin & Co” and other classmates.

I think we all got more comfortable with each other and so interactions were more natural and genuine. My class has the sweetest people ever. After spending time with them, I realized that I’ve learnt so much about being a friend.

I’m so lucky to be in a class with strong young women who have had their own fair share of troubles but can still hold their plucky own. That loyalty and companionship is something that awes me so. I’m so surprised that they managed to dump so many of these nasty boys together in one class because I heard stories about douche boys from other classes who think they are too cool to talk to the girls, but our class boys are all such angels. Occasionally full of shit though. I say that in the most affectionate way possible because they are still bugging me about smuggling M sized Orientation 2014 T-shirts out so they can sneak in to chase skirts.

In any case, they still make my day with the silly antics of theirs, what with the horrible puns and sexual innuendos, false bravado, friendships the kind to inspire homoerotic fan-fiction. As Erica pointed out, these boys would be really sharp and “on-point” with their sex jokes and then look awfully sheepish afterwards.

I’ve always kinda wanted older brothers and all of a sudden, I’m blessed with so many of them :”)

Thank you for being an amazing class, 12. All of you are such talented, smart and adorable people. I honestly could not have asked for a better class to spend my hectic JC life with. My heart swells with love and pride that simply came out of nowhere (silver linings in the PW probably), all the greater because of what I felt was a rocky start for all of us. You guys have opened yourselves up to me as a friend and I’m ever grateful for that. All of you are so vastly different but you share drive and passion that shines through in all that you do. I can’t help that I sound so cheesy but all the references I am thinking of relate to cute/cool things like power rangers and cute collectible lego figurines. You guys constantly make me feel like compressing all of you into pocket sized dolls and soft toys so I can give you massive hugs. Also because you guys are precious little things and every meal we have together is a happy meal. 

I hope that with some tolerance and understanding, whatever problems that we have had or are having can be resolved so that there won’t be any major turmoil that rocks what we’ve got so far. We’re not a perfect class but we’re getting somewhere with this. I love you guys.