This one took me an especially long time to write. It's not particularly long, just very tough. It sat around in my brain about a month and in my drafts for about another couple of weeks but well, here I am! 2013 was a year of firsts and much learning, so this post has been broken up into more manageable sections following my thoughts and reflections on the varying aspects of my life
Yup, it's that monster of a post I promised, so here goes nothing?
"Even the wisest cannot tell, for the Mirror shows many things. Things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet gone to past."
Call it a full circle: the most important thing that happened to me in 2012 becomes the thing that keeps me going in 2013. I learnt that reflection and introspection can really help to heal.
A little background info: I have two twitter accounts, two tumblr blogs and one blogger, all with varying degrees of privacy and sharing. I also leave half done stanzas everywhere, in my phone, in my notebook, my planner, even Google drive.
As you can see, outlets for my emotions are really important for me.
As a whole, blogging (even mirco-blogging) really allowed me to record details of my learning and do lots of self-discovery. It became something that I turned to for a different kind of cartharsis, a clearer closure.
Soon I realised that blogging is like pressing flowers.
You take something that is dying or destructive and preserve it by absorbing all of it's volatile essence and, stabilising it. I've learnt through my blog that I can take destructive emotions and foster creation, creating life out of negative feelings.You can relive the negativity from an out-of-body experience, watch it in it's beautifully destructive nature (the way we watch car accidents). You can give it immortality, or seal it away forever. It brings you some peace when you can finally get those feelings out.
Everything that makes me feel, makes me human. Whether it's a good emotion of a typically bad emotion. I think being exposed to drama also helps me process these feelings better.
I think I allowed myself some honesty, on this blog and in private by being introspective, so I guess I can sort of say that I did manage to fulfill my 2013 resolution of wanting to be more genuine.
Also doesn't hurt that both my tumblr and blogger look smashin'
Everyone has to fight his own Balrog.
Understanding this unlocked several doors for me because it urged me to be the bigger person for those around me. I made myself ready to patch up those that needed it and I made sure to listen more than I spoke. What came out of it was a better understanding of my environment and people and their vibes. I wanted to give chances. I made new friends...maybe because my awkward reclusive behaviour also became a warm little cottage in the middle of the forest for other people. People whom I thought had everything going for them cracked before my very eyes and I came to this realisation that you can't have it all. And it's okay not to have it all together.
"To bear a ring of power is to be alone"
I remember plunging into this conflicted period of wanting to be more genuine and following my gut instinct to hold the reins on opening up. As a result, I was oscillating from being a mystery to being horribly upfront with people that I felt I couldn't trust, but did anyway, against my better judgement. It was such an exhausting period of time because I was also trying to be such a nice person that I ended up apologising for feeling. I ended up having to justify my every word, my every thought, my every bit of emotion, so that I wouldn't hurt anybody's feelings.
I remember seeing a text post that said "Having issues of your own explains your actions, but does not excuse them."
For a while, I was stunned, because I thought being a victim meant free passes. But being a victim of something/suffering from something is different from victimisation. And being understanding is not the same as allowing people to walk all over you.
Give people chances, but give yourself a chance and if you do not find a way, no one will.
At a certain point last year, I realised that I was being too hard on myself. I had to cut myself some slack. And that was that, actually. I was liberated when I decided to just go with the flow instead of forcing myself against the current. I became closer to people that made me feel good and I realised that I don't have to go out of my way to please others.
"We will go, and may the others find a safe road!"
I like to take cues from Frodo: If you know that your ring of power is screwing up your group dynamics and is likely cause the dark lord sauron to return and dominate earth should it continue, you should probably go off on your own in a boat.
Bring a loyal friend.
If you feel like you need to take a break, go right ahead. Take breaks from certain people, from people on social media, from people all together. Just remember not to lose yourself altogether either.The way to surviving is to figure out what kind of dose you should take personalities with, and under what circumstances. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so grow some flowers even for the people that shit all over your lawn.
"You bow to no one"
Here are a bunch of quotations along with my own thoughts about one very important thing I've learnt last year: self love.
"Even the wisest cannot tell, for the Mirror shows many things. Things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet gone to past."
Call it a full circle: the most important thing that happened to me in 2012 becomes the thing that keeps me going in 2013. I learnt that reflection and introspection can really help to heal.
A little background info: I have two twitter accounts, two tumblr blogs and one blogger, all with varying degrees of privacy and sharing. I also leave half done stanzas everywhere, in my phone, in my notebook, my planner, even Google drive.
As you can see, outlets for my emotions are really important for me.
As a whole, blogging (even mirco-blogging) really allowed me to record details of my learning and do lots of self-discovery. It became something that I turned to for a different kind of cartharsis, a clearer closure.
Soon I realised that blogging is like pressing flowers.
You take something that is dying or destructive and preserve it by absorbing all of it's volatile essence and, stabilising it. I've learnt through my blog that I can take destructive emotions and foster creation, creating life out of negative feelings.You can relive the negativity from an out-of-body experience, watch it in it's beautifully destructive nature (the way we watch car accidents). You can give it immortality, or seal it away forever. It brings you some peace when you can finally get those feelings out.
Everything that makes me feel, makes me human. Whether it's a good emotion of a typically bad emotion. I think being exposed to drama also helps me process these feelings better.
I think I allowed myself some honesty, on this blog and in private by being introspective, so I guess I can sort of say that I did manage to fulfill my 2013 resolution of wanting to be more genuine.
Also doesn't hurt that both my tumblr and blogger look smashin'
Everyone has to fight his own Balrog.
Understanding this unlocked several doors for me because it urged me to be the bigger person for those around me. I made myself ready to patch up those that needed it and I made sure to listen more than I spoke. What came out of it was a better understanding of my environment and people and their vibes. I wanted to give chances. I made new friends...maybe because my awkward reclusive behaviour also became a warm little cottage in the middle of the forest for other people. People whom I thought had everything going for them cracked before my very eyes and I came to this realisation that you can't have it all. And it's okay not to have it all together.
"To bear a ring of power is to be alone"
I remember plunging into this conflicted period of wanting to be more genuine and following my gut instinct to hold the reins on opening up. As a result, I was oscillating from being a mystery to being horribly upfront with people that I felt I couldn't trust, but did anyway, against my better judgement. It was such an exhausting period of time because I was also trying to be such a nice person that I ended up apologising for feeling. I ended up having to justify my every word, my every thought, my every bit of emotion, so that I wouldn't hurt anybody's feelings.
I remember seeing a text post that said "Having issues of your own explains your actions, but does not excuse them."
For a while, I was stunned, because I thought being a victim meant free passes. But being a victim of something/suffering from something is different from victimisation. And being understanding is not the same as allowing people to walk all over you.
Give people chances, but give yourself a chance and if you do not find a way, no one will.
At a certain point last year, I realised that I was being too hard on myself. I had to cut myself some slack. And that was that, actually. I was liberated when I decided to just go with the flow instead of forcing myself against the current. I became closer to people that made me feel good and I realised that I don't have to go out of my way to please others.
"We will go, and may the others find a safe road!"
I like to take cues from Frodo: If you know that your ring of power is screwing up your group dynamics and is likely cause the dark lord sauron to return and dominate earth should it continue, you should probably go off on your own in a boat.
Bring a loyal friend.
If you feel like you need to take a break, go right ahead. Take breaks from certain people, from people on social media, from people all together. Just remember not to lose yourself altogether either.The way to surviving is to figure out what kind of dose you should take personalities with, and under what circumstances. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so grow some flowers even for the people that shit all over your lawn.
"You bow to no one"
Here are a bunch of quotations along with my own thoughts about one very important thing I've learnt last year: self love.
1. "Become the person you would ideally fall in love with"
2. When you decide to be positive about yourself, you open lots of doors, so find good things to like about yourself, even if it's small things. Make your love for yourself bigger than other people's opinions of you. Compliment yourself. You might have very nice knuckles, or cute little ears, or lovely lips, or you could be very good at sewing, compliment them all!
“If I ask you what you love the answers will likely roll off your tongue. You love to read. You love to write. You love birds, music, tattoos… your mom, your brother, your sister, your daughter, your best friend, your dog. How long do you think you could go on and on before you said… I love myself?” Meet Yourself in The Mirror - Ashley Wylde
3. "At this moment, you are the oldest that you have ever been, and the youngest that you ever will be again." You will make mistakes but you will grow from them like you have from your past. You are young and reckless, but you are maturing and wiser than you have been.
4. You don't fit into any one box. Not as a person and not as a friend. You can be a paradox. You can be an onion. You can be a raging geyser, a fragile stellar dendrite or a magnificent ice sculpture and you'd still be made of the same molecules we need to survive.
5. You don't have to rush into establishing an identity or building a friendship just to feel like you belong. "Little by little, one travels far" Take your time and build yourself a place you will feel comfortable in with people that make it feel like home.
6. "Nothing would be the same without you"
7. Give yourself time to recharge if you get bogged down for no apparent reason. Sometimes, more damage can be done if you force yourself to keep moving. Have a quiet afternoon with a close friend doing something you both like or go out for some exercise that will lift your mood. Always have something or somebody you can turn to if you simply need some breathing space from the rest of the world.
8. Try out new things occasionally, even if it's just a new piece of clothing or jewelry. This way, you won't shy away from fresh and adventurous ideas. It also helps you perceive others because you will become more open to other people's choices.
9. There will be bad days. You will realise that you are not as strong as you thought you were.
10. "Love yourself so no one has to." You are the one who will stay with you always, the one you know will be there when you are grotty from sleep or from crying too hard because everyone else has gone.
“I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam.”
In 2013, I had been blessed with the company of old friends and new friends. I'm so thankful for the VJ-Cedarians I can confide in, my pillars of strength. And even though I don't see them often, all my dearest friends currently in other schools have also made me a better person through what they have taught and continue to teach me. One of the great moments last year was the Cedar Banja that we did after teachers' day, when I slipped in the middle of the dance, only to have dozen more Cedarians racing in to join.
I'm also thankful for A12, not just for the happy times, but also the rocky relationships that gave me much to think about.
“The wide world is all about you: you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot for ever fence it out.”
Unfortunately, I also did pretty shitty things last year, like get even more addicted to tumblr. So that resulted in lots of wasted time and I became really lazy. And it seemed like one day, when I was doing some innocent blogging, I accidentally joined a feminist movement so I think my friends think I am a very angry female.
They are not wrong.
I'm still finding my way around it but I'm not likely to get any meaner and angrier than I already am so well there's that.
But a big regret for 2013 was that I was quite passive. A major example would those overseas trips I didn't sign up for. On the bright side, I didn't wait until the new year to resolve to be more active. I signed up to be an OGL and, advised by my pals, didn't give up even though I performed badly for my promos. And look where I am.
“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.”
They are not wrong.
I'm still finding my way around it but I'm not likely to get any meaner and angrier than I already am so well there's that.
But a big regret for 2013 was that I was quite passive. A major example would those overseas trips I didn't sign up for. On the bright side, I didn't wait until the new year to resolve to be more active. I signed up to be an OGL and, advised by my pals, didn't give up even though I performed badly for my promos. And look where I am.
“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.”
Last year, my resolution was "be more genuine". This year, since it's going to be my action year, I'm going to be brave. I wished my friends courage because we are all going to need it. "We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in the high winds."
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