Book Three: Change

A reference to The Legend of Korra I finished back in Feb. A super duper great series following The Legend of Aang that life finally allowed me to re-watch properly. I had a lot of fun watching these shows on the way to work and whenever I had the time, and they're both more than just children's shows. I wouldn't even classify them as suitable for kids to watch, maybe just for teens. In any case, as with routine, watching the shows don't provide enough satisfaction, one has to also plunge into the fandom and read metas about one's ship and analyses about themes and character development. Watch both series here: legendofkorra.tv (yes, both, despite the name).

Okay, that said, today's post isn't about the shows; that was just for some background info about my tweet. So the first "season" or Book in LOK was Water, followed by Spirits, then Change, and finally Balance. I was traveling home from work one day when it hit me that I was going through what Korra had to go through. Granted, I used several measly points of reference: Book 1 was me drowning in work (cue strained laughter), and Book 2 was the concurrent period of first tumultuous, then progressive spiritual change I experienced. But that said, Korra's transition mirrors much of what many of my peers and I face, so it's no wonder that now, we have come to the juncture of Book 3: Change.

I'd like to sincerely apologise for abandoning the blog for the whole of March (or so). A lot has happened over these few weeks, and I haven't been updating for actual, busy reasons. I HAVE BEEN ADULTING!!!!! 

Apart from yelling at myself for being so lazy slash busy, please join me in congratulating myself for at least adulting. Are Singaporean teens too spoilt? YEs. Me. I have been pampered by the straightforward route of study study study primary secondary jc. I say I have because I'm still fumbling about trying to hammer together a raft on which I can float on this sea of overwhelming ADULTNESS.

I mean I have to read the clauses and contracts and break down the opportunity costs and schedule my university applications, interviews, tests; decide when to quit my internship and where to go after that...  *aghast*

And yes, I did emerge from 2 March strong. My results were, thank god, good. A word of advice: study hard and give your bestest so you don't have to plunge into anxiety and nightmares about bad grades. Please, don't get me wrong, all of you who have heard me worry about my grades. I am thankful I have been proven wrong. I don't know how I got my grades, they are not straight As but they are curiously forgiving. 

I thought long and hard about it and decided (even now I am doubting my own abilities) to pursue lit. I applied to NTU English (Lit), NUS FASS and SMU Social Sciences (Sociology)  

LIT? 

EXCUSE ME?

I know, I know. I'm still trying to deal with it. Believe me, I have had my fair share of disbelief pie over the past month. I've been told an Arts/Humanities degree is useless, I've had people tell me I should take law if I can, I've seen jaws drop and lips purse in reflex (taken back only after I called them out on their judgement). 

And don't think for a moment I was not swayed by these pressures: I actually tried to apply for SMU law, I cried myself to sleep on some nights because I could not and still cannot picture my future beyond uni. Beyond my chill about uni applications being done (YESSS FIRST APRIL IS OVER), and having my route "settled", I am terrified. 

But the world is a harsh and terrifying place to be in and I am surrounded by older people who have different expectations for me. I quickly realised that these people's opinions were of no concern to me. Those whom I cared for and who cared for me where already pouring in their support, and I am beyond blessed to have that.

Taking lit is not going to be easy, but I told my interviewer that I don't just want to graduate with a degree at the end of the 4 years. I want to be led by my thirst for emotional and existential awakening, to be fuelled by and to fuel art. 

Alas, I may never be able to allay the concerns; the question persists:

What good will it be to have new eyes in the same old world?

+++

On SMU Open House, I was fortunate enough to have one of those God-sent encounters. Vince and John ran into their friend and they started chatting. I then found out that the mutual friend's girlfriend, Gayle was also planning to take lit.

We started talking, and soon we were behaving like old friends, fangirl-ing over how much we have learn from lit, spilling all our anxieties to each other. It just took that one conversation to strengthen my weakening resolve to take lit. Thank you Gayle :")

Still, I think I was quite strategic about my choices, with enough escape points in case something happens between now and June that makes me regret (haaa ahaa).

On another note, yesterday was my last day in MOE HQ RMU :-( Please refer to my past few posts to see how much anxiety and fear it was giving me and understand that I had grown to love the unit. It took me more than two months to fully come to terms with my new position, and now, I'm stepping off the cliff yet again.

When people ask me what my internship (was) about, I always say: "I put together shapes and colours, send my bad puns to the masses and stand at career fairs and talk for six hours."

And like the nerd I am, I actually like doing these things.

Maybe I haven't seen enough of the world to despise an office job yet, or maybe my internship was only four months long and fresh, but RMU gave me such a great opportunity to learn and have fun at the same time.

Fiona and Sherilyn whom I only got to interact with for three days but was hitting off well with :")

Alicia who joined later but is going to be perm staff soon, 

super funny and easy to talk to :')

RMU!! I look half dead here 

Choosing to intern at RMU was not my initial plan, but I'm so grateful I did after all. It gave me a whole new perspective to an office job. Granted, I had a cubicle, I had superiors to answer to and a cause to work towards (that I didn't always agree on), but I also met a unique bunch of individuals who have charming personalities and tremendously interesting travel adventures that simply subverted the dull bureaucratic stereotype.

Perhaps it's just me trying to convince myself that an office job is not so bad, because I'm trying to come to terms with how "mediocre" I may turn out after uni. I'm not saying that all office jobs are mediocre or that they are all boring, in fact, they are important to the functioning of society, no matter how dull these jobs seem.

I'm trying to reconcile aspirations with reality, maybe comforting myself, really. But consider this: we have been told all our lives to strive for the best, we have been bred to dream big, but to only dream; we have been told to stay safe and grounded, to earn before we pursue our passions.

I've only just come to realise that many of us humans (in and outside of Singapore) lead double lives, though we may not know it: who we want to be, and who we can be; a result of fear, judgement or discouragement born of societal expectations. And I think it's so sad that we are always told to be at the top, and reject things like office jobs, when so many of us are bound to fall within that range, if not for security then because we have no means to pursue what we truly want, or even simply because not all of us can experience "liberating" occupations in the traditional sense. 

Right now, my greatest concern isn't where I will end up after uni, it's where I'll end up in May. I'm starting a new job at SYF in April, strangely enough still technically hired by MOE. I'm starting to worry if I have pre-maturely given up my spot in RMU, since I currently don't have plans for after the three week SYF stint. The impulsive side of me decided that if I'm going to explore the jobs and places around me, I had better use this long break to do so, even if leaving familiarity is tough.

My goodness, I must remember that this is all going to work out. If I'm scared, I'm going to stay scared unless I conquer my fears, especially if these fears will plague me more often than not in adulthood.

+++

The past week has been a week of great change on the national scale too. Our founding Prime Minister Mr Lee Kuan Yew passed away and a week of mourning ensued. I will not try to articulate praises for him, for the words of thanks of more eloquent ones have sewn my mouth shut with sweet awe. Instead, I find within myself (disrespectfully?) a great wave of thankfulness that his passing has brought out the best in us. Perhaps the greatest testament to his legacy would be the throngs of people who queued for hours in the blistering hot sun, past landmarks of his amazing work. Though it is a pity that so much praise came after his lifetime, I am not ungrateful that the good voices have overwhelmed the bad ones. Our eyes have been opened to our blessings and we have helped those around us like how he helped us enjoy the life we have today. From news of hotels and shop owners to mere citizens distributing food and water, to Singaporeans and foreigners braving the elements to pay their respects, even in his passing has Mr Lee united us as a people. For that, and all that he has built with his visionary leadership, I am thankful.

Photos taken at MOE HQ

And finally, to end off on a lighter note, friendships have also been changing for me, sorta for the better... And while a lot of my friends have been busy with internships and NS, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I miss them very much and am thankful we have made plans for each other. The changes they have been making in their lives as I have been for mine have only served to highlight their constancy to me :")

If I may go right back to the tweet though, the significance of Book Three is that we will get Book Four: Balance soon. But knowing life and her curveballs, Balance seems to be far far away. I want to get there someday.